Oshiete, Ginpachi-sensei!
by Cabbage of Doom
Summary: A silly-stupid-crack fanfic I wrote for my friend's birthday (Horsey, omedetou!), featuring KnB, Gintama (& Free!) characters. Yaoi all the way, but nothing explicit :-))) Rated M for dirty conversation topics. Also, beware of KnB SPOILERS (the story is set after manga ch 203)! ...by MatrixChild


**Oshiete, Ginpachi-sensei!**

The afternoon before the final Winter Cup game, Seirin vs Rakuzan; Riko was clutching her hair, trying not to scream in frustration. She just got a phone call from Kuroko's and Kagami's homeroom teacher. Of all subjects they studied together, freshmen duo barely passed all, except one – SexEd.

And the supplementary lesion followed by make-up exam was scheduled for TOMORROW!

Frantically, she picked up her mobile and called a first reliable person who came to her mind – Kiyoshi.

"Teppei, we're screwed!" Riko started yelling. "No, Kagami and Kuroko are screwed! Because they haven't screwed any!"

"Slow down, Riko, I don't understand you!" Kiyoshi's deep manly voice was enough to calm her a bit.

"I can't call Hyuuga, he'll murder them!"

"What happened?"

"Those idiots didn't pass SexEd exam!"

"Eeeeh?! You're kidding, right?"

"I now realize how truly stupid they are; probably doing _it_ with a ball. And the make-up exam is tomorrow! We can't afford challenging Rakuzan while missing key players!"

"Shit…" Kiyoshi rarely cursed, but this situation was plainly unbelievable. "Give me a couple of minutes, I'll try something."

Riko hang up and took a deep breath. _Think, how can we fix this? Should I ask their homeroom teacher again to postpone the exam? He already declined once. Should I push it? Or, ask our headmaster... We're a successful sports team… But our school has strict regulations…_

In the end, she couldn't think of anything and was nervously pacing around her room.

"I found something, but it's going to be expensive." Kiyoshi called Riko back 20 minutes later.

"Doesn't matter, we'll make Kagami spit the money, he's a rich brat anyway… Chotto matte, is it legal?"

"You really have low opinion of me, nee Riko?" Kiyoshi smirked. "Of course it's legal. Don't compare me to Hanamiya!"

"Fine, I'm listening…"

"We're in luck, SexEd is an optional subject. Our school accepts diplomas acquired by taking courses, in case of any optional subjects. I remembered one of my classmates didn't have to take exam in French, she already had a high level certificate from foreign language school."

"And the catch is?"

"Try to guess."

"There aren't any SexEd courses?"Riko sighted. "Well, who'd need that anyway, when every information is available on the internet…"

"Surprisingly, but you're wrong. There are several SexEd courses in our town. The problem is – they're full."

"Stop joking Teppei, I'm slowly losing it!"

"I'm serious, and we don't have much time, so listen carefully; another interesting thing – there are more basketball players participating in Winter Cup who failed SexEd and are about to take a quick, one evening course, followed by an exam. Our freshmen are not the only idiots around!"

"Who did you talk to?" Riko was stunned. "Did … did you manage to get them into a course?!"

"Yeah, and now I own a big favour to Imayoshi. He's probably gonna haunt me till the grave." Kiyoshi laughed somewhat nervously. "But, I'm betting my all on this game, we have to win this year!"

"Teppei... arigatou!" Riko's eyes teared up. "Can I ask you to take them to the SexEd course? I need to prepare all possible game scenarios for tomorrow, just in case."

"Sure, I'm on it. And, Riko…"

"_Keep it a secret from Hyuuga_!", they both said it at the same time.

* * *

Kiyoshi met half an hour later with Kagami and Kuroko, in front of a SexEd school. Kagami looked pale and Kuroko more transparent than ever – like he could evaporate any moment. Misdirection KAI! If they played a game right now, he'd be invincible!

"I'm sure Riko will think of a hellish punishment for you two, after the game tomorrow. Pass this exam, and your lives will probably be saved."

"I should have watch porn with Tatsuya, when he suggested it" Kagami was mumbling under his breath. "But we had different tastes; he always had a fetish on overgrown stuff…"

"Kiyoshi-sempai" Kuroko's eyes were even bigger than usual, "We won't have to… practice? My kokoro is not ready yet."

"Baka, who'd "practice" with an underage student? Besides, you'll be lucky if a lady even notices you're there!"

Kiyoshi's attempt of a joke failed badly because Kuroko started shaking. Kagami only let out a nervous laugh.

"Sempai, you said there are more players who will be attending this course, who are they… desu ka?"

"You'll see."

As soon as they entered the classroom, Kagami got his answer.

"Maji?!... desu ka?"

The room was packed full with random people and Kiseki no Sedai members; Murasakibara, standing alone in a corner, confused and eating chips, Kise with his sempai Kasamatsu (who just slapped him with a SexEd reference book), very embarrassed Midorima, Takao with a wide grin on his face, and finally, Aomine and Imayoshi.

"Domo, Imayoshi-san", Kiyoshi went to the sly-looking guy. "I see you two made it as well."

"There's always a solution for a problem, if you're persistent" Imayoshi nodded as a greeting. "Although, handling _Ahomine_ can be quite a tiring task."

"Tch, uruse naa, teme" Aomine scowled. "I've been telling you, the questions on the test did not make any sense. You can't say I don't study the _literature_."

He pulled out a gravure magazine out of his bag, featuring Horikita Mai-chan on the front cover.

"Well, at least he knows what breasts are, unlike some of my team members" Kiyoshi turned his gaze towards Kagami and Kuroko.

"Oh, Tetsu, you're here, too?" Aomine leisurely strolled towards Seirin juniors and slung a hand over Kuroko's shoulder.

"I heard Sensei here is an eccentric one, but you must pass the exam. I want to see you clash against Akashi tomorrow."

"Yeah, you're free to watch our game. That is, if _you_ manage to pass the exam" Kagami disliked being ignored, especially by Aomine.

"Aaaaah?" a deep frown appeared on Aomine's forehead. "At least I have a higher chance of passing than a pure boy like you!"

"Nee, _Ahomine_, do you really know what a sasuga is? Or you're just looking at them because you like round stuff?"

"Hah! You wouldn't even know if a sasuga is round or square, _Bakagami_!"

"What did you say?!"

"Maa, maa, enough you two" Imayoshi smiled gently and two Lights felt shivers of terror down their spine. "The class is about to start, take your seats."

"That's right", Kiyoshi lightly petted Kagami on the head, with his large yaoi hand. "And keep your voice down; we don't want to anger Sensei."

Just as he said those words, a man in a white coat and with glasses entered the classroom. He had a peculiar white hair and dead-fish red eyes. A cigarette was hanging from his mouth.

"Konbanwaaa, Ginpachi-sensei!" random people in the classroom stood up and bowed. Kiseki no Sedai members, Kagami and Kuroko mimicked their manner.

"Douzo osuwari, soshite otonashiku shite kudasaaaai" Sensei's voice matched his eyes. "Our class today is special; as you can see, we'll have some stupid kids to educate, because they can't do anything except playing basketball."

Ginpachi-sensei carefully scanned the newcomers.

"Kimi! Kyoujin-kun in the corner. You can't eat during class… Bring that bag of chips over here."

"Ehhh? Nazeee?" If anyone had more sluggish voice than Sensei, it was Murasakibara. "But, Sensei, you already have a lollypop."

"You can tell?!" a glint of tears appeared in Sensei's eyes. "I'm always being accused of smoking… because of my love for sweets!"

Sensei pulled the "cigarette" out of his mouth, which indeed happened to be a giant lollypop, defying the laws of physics.

"Fine, you can keep the chips; just don't make too much crunching noises."

"Haaai."

"Saa, minna, this lesion is going to be a tough one. I'm being paid a lot of money to help those pure basketball boys, as they take their first steps to manhood. Everything we're going to talk about is going to be on the test."

* * *

And they started… With each new page in the SexEd manual, our pure basketball boys were feeling more and more miserable.

"Takao, stop snickering, nanodayo." Midorima was firmly clutching today's lucky item in his hands, a warm blanket with leopard design. "I know you're here to make fun of me!"

"Shin-chan, I could've taught you all of this stuff, I got the highest grade in our class." Takao winked at him.

"That's because you're probably a closet hentai. Oi, don't get too close to me!"

* * *

_Couple of seats to the back…_

"Why do I have to sit next to you, _Ahomine_?!"

"The hell I know, _Bakagami_! Shut up and look at the vagina on the page 27."

* * *

_In the last row, due to his height…_

"Arara, is this real?" Murasakibara was also on page 27 and his eyes opened as far as they could, but were still droopy. "I need to text Muro-chin, this is unbelievable! Aaah sou da, he's late again…"

* * *

_Somewhere in the middle…_

"Kise, I swear, I'm going to kill you! Stop crying and _focus_!"

"Demo, Kasamatsu-sempai, I don't like this. It's just too plain, without chains, whips and wax…"

"I don't care if you're an S or M or whatever, except when it interferes with our club. You're our ace, take that role more seriously!"

* * *

In the end, they all managed to survive going through the manual. Even Kuroko was still breathing, but he had to lean on Kiyoshi and rest a bit.

* * *

"Dewa minna, we're now going to watch the demonstration of everything we learned so far." Ginpachi-sensei announced in his deadpan voice and opened a cabinet near his desk.

A fairly large plasma TV was residing within the cabinet, together with a dvd player. He pulled out a lollypop-cigarette out of his mouth and was about to proceed with the lecture, when suddenly a new person entered the room, breathing heavily.

"Sumimasen, I'm late!" the last ikemen alive, Himuro Tatsuya, has arrived! He was just too beautiful too get mad at.

"Every time, Muro-chin, every time…" Murasakibara rolled his eyes, but his mood lightened up.

"Yo, Ikemen-kun, are you with Kyoujin-kun?" Ginpachi-sensei was not affected by Himuro's charm, or simply his dead-fish eyes couldn't produce any kind of emotion.

"Pardon me?"

"Are you with that purple boy?"

"Sore wa chotto… too personal question."

"Moouu, Muro-chin, he's not asking are we dating" Murasakibara extended his arm and pulled Himuro to sit on his lap, although there were unoccupied chairs available. "That would be so gay."

"Teme, what are you doing to Tatsuya?!" Kagami got up from his chair and glared at Murasakibara. "He's not your toy!"

"Maybe he's Murasakibara's lucky item", Takao felt the need to join the conversation. "Say, Shin-chan, what is Libra's lucky item for today?

"Hmph-nado! I forgot!" Midorima snapped back.

"What are you getting so upset about, _Bakagami_?" Aomine leaned back in his chair and met Kagami's eyes. "Is he your boyfriend or something?"

"Chigau, he's my brother!"

"Eeeh? You don't look alike at all…"

"Himuro-san is Kagami-kun's imaginary brother." Kuroko suddenly appeared in the room, his Misdirection run out. "I don't know the details, but it seems they got married in America at some point, as they're always wearing the same rings on a necklace around their necks, and are on first name basis."

"No, that's not it, Kuroko! The rings symbolize our brotherhood!"

"Isn't that a bit messed up?" Murasakibara opened his 10th bag of chips. "Muro-chin, what were you thinking?"

"It was all in the past, before I met you, Atsushi" there was a sparkly bishounen aura around Himuro. "You've completely taken over my kokoro to karada!"

"There you go again, saying such homo stuff. If you continue embarrassing me, I won't give it to you tonight."

"Then seal my lips shut!"

"Oi, somebody should shut this poor bastard's mouth", Aomine was pointing at Kagami, who had his yaw wide open. "Or it will hit the floor."

"Why don't you do it, Aomine-kun?"

"Haaah? Are you awake, Tetsu?"

"You obviously like Kagami-kun very much. Otherwise, you wouldn't play with him one on one, give him your favourite basketball shoes, give him an advice, talk about fate bringing Kagami to the high school basketball, asking him to entertain you, then asking him for a round two, grinning like an idiot… no… feeling beside yourself with joy. I'm a good observer, Aomine-kun. It's time to face the truth."

"Ore… uh… don't do that on purpose!"

"I know, both of you are too stupid to notice. That's why you'll buy me a vanilla shake, for my kindness."

"Kuroko…" Kagami turned slowly towards his team mate. "I don't think you…"

"Weren't you the one singing "exciting communication" every time after you met with Aomine-kun?" Kuroko did not let him finish.

"You think he's amazing. And your head is so full of him? And his shoes feel very nice? Also, treating him to Maji burgers behind my back..."

"So I just have to make Kagami behave, right, Tetsu? And then you'll shut up as well?"

Aomine grabbed Kagami's cheeks and stretched them.

"There you go, Bakagami, a special service from Ore-sama. Do you feel better now?"

"Youhf… bahlstalfd!" Kagami could not run away so he had no choice but to pinch Aomine's face as well. "It hultsz!"

"Leff go!"

"Youf filstf!"

"Zhe onfly whone wfho can lhet go ofh me isz me… ugh, no, thatz whas wrongf! Yfou lhet go!"

"Oi, kisam...kimitachi!" Ginpachi-sensei raised his voice. "I've been thinking about it, maybe I should change the educational material".

He opened his desk drawer and pulled out suspicious looking dvd.

"While we covered the major points of SexEd via manual, I believe you're going to be more satisfied with _this one_ for the viewing part."

"Agreed!" Himuro happily raised his hand.

Murasakibara rolled his eyes.

"Muro-chin, masaka… Are you into ojisans?"

"Iie, Atsushi. I just believe you can learn more from someone with experience."

"And wrinkled kintama?"

"Damare, Kyoujin-kun!" Ginpachi-sensei raised his voice. "I don't… er… my twin brother Kintoki does not have wrinkled kintama!"

"Pfffft, Kintoki no kintama!"

"Hontoni… You really have a screw loose, Kyoujin-kun. Will you be able to follow the video?"

"Don't worry, Sensei" Himuro smiled. "Even if his concentration drops, I'll make sure he understands everything, both ways."

"Both ways?" Kagami and Aomine finally released each other faces and were staring at Himuro, confused.

"My Lights are so pure", Kuroko let out a small sigh of disappointment. Kiyoshi eyed him, amused.

"I see you've been holding it in?"

"Hai, for a very long time."

"Maybe I can help you with that?"

"Demo, Kiyoshi-sempai and Hyuuga-sempai…"

"Ah, we're not like that. And he's head over heels in love with Riko." Kiyoshi smiled playfully. "C'mon Kuroko, you know it'll be fu-uun!"

"I do like Kiyoshi-sempai's body a lot." Kuroko blushed ever so slightly, checking out Kiyoshi from head to toe. "We could give it a try."

"Tonight after the class, my house. Grandparents are visiting onsen, we'll be alone."

"Kore kara osewani narimasu."

* * *

**_It was unintentional… but what you just witnessed here was The Birth of a New Ship! _**

**_KiKuro asdgffhgffgdfasaf 3_**

**_It is almost as crazy as AkaKise… or maybe not :-)_**

* * *

_Back to other idiots._

"It's perfectly understandable, _Bakagami_" Aomine leaned towards Kagami, their shoulders touched. "That you've fallen for me. After all, even I have fallen for myself."

"No way! Don't put your words in my mouth, _Ahomine_."

"What, should I put something else in your mouth?"

* * *

In the meantime, Ginpachi-sensei received a phone call and went to talk outside of the classroom. He left Himuro with a certain task.

"Atsushi, push it here."

"Koko?"

"Mou chotto migi ni."

"Sore de ii?"

"Yappari, hidari yori."

"You're so hard to please, Muro-chin."

"The TV screen must be perfectly angled; otherwise some people won't see the educational movie properly."

* * *

Aomine and Kagami continued to argue in the back of the classroom. Aomine made sure he stepped on Kagami's foot nice and firm, while Kagami pulled Aomine's uniform tie, trying to choke him a bit.

They didn't notice at first, but a weird-looking man was standing next to them, fidgeting and avoiding eye contact. He had short black hair, gun-metal blue eyes, red ribbon around his head and was wearing a denim jacket with torn sleeves. He was carrying a katana on his back.

"Wh…where is Sakata-shi?"

"He went out for a call." Kagami let go of Aomine, who was slowly turning blue. "Who're you?"

"The name's Tosshi. Occupation, super-otaku. Sometimes, Sakata-shi's assistant."

"Ah!" Aomine managed to take a deep breath and was feeling much better. "You're that other guy; from the dvd cover. Assistant, my ass!"

"No, that is my (densetsu の) other self, Hijikata Toushirou. He usually won't let me anywhere near Sakata-shi."

"Whatever… Oi _Bakagami_, come here, the movie is starting."

"Don't order me around!"

They went back to their seats. Kagami took the dvd box and was looking at it, then at Tosshi.

"Y'know, he really looks different. Sensei wa sensei, no mistake, but there is something about this guy in the picture. He plays the role of a slave, only his eyes are so wild."

"Are you cheating on me? Falling for ol' Tosshi now?"

"Don't be stupid, I still like you better."

"Ka… Kagami…?!"

The redhead realised what he just said and blushed heavily. He then tried to run away from Aomine, but the other guy did not let him.

"Say it again."

"Shut up! It was a mistake!"

"Don't lie! C'mon, say it!"

"I.. uh.."

But then Aomine, without further ado, crushed his lips against Kagami's, in a fierce kiss that matched the intensity of the fire in Hijikata's eyes, on the porn dvd cover. It didn't take long for Kagami to give in, and soon they were oblivious of anything else in the classroom, kissing, caressing and enjoying this new sensation.

* * *

"Atsushi, look and learn how it is done." Himuro was smirking while eyeing Murasakibara. "That friend of yours, Aomine, is quite a player."

"Nah, he's just an idiot who takes what he wants. He's lucky Kagami likes him back."

"Are you feeling lucky, too?"

"Don't go there, Muro-chin. I might eat you."

"I don't mind."

* * *

"Wow, just, wow!" Takao was using his Hawk eye to follow all three fronts at the same time - KiKuro, AoKaga and MuraHi. "They're really at it!"

"Fools." Midorima fixed his glasses. "The movie began 10 minutes ago. If they don't start watching now, it will be too late to catch up with a plot."

"Plot? What plot?"

"Movie plot, you bakamon! Are you following at all?!"

Takao barely managed to keep a calm face.

"Shin-chan, gomen, tell me what happened so far."

"Very well. There is this guy, Haru, who has a fetish on water. He gets sexually violated, not by water, but by his childhood friend Makoto, every time he tries to take a bath. He is indeed a complex character, introvert and a free spirit. He knows Makoto cares for him deeply, but doesn't want to compromise – the water is his true love, nanodayo. Ah, look, he's now in naked apron! No… there's a swim suit under it. Wait, Makoto just took it off. Why? The breakfast isn't ready yet!"

"Pfffhahahaha!" Takao could not take it any longer and burst into laughter. "Stop it, Shin-chan, it's killing me!"

"You think this is funny?! Haru's doing his best and cooking a meal for his friend, but his efforts are wasted because the movie director decided to add a sex scene here. I also feel pity for Makoto; he can't truly compete against water, but still chooses to stay by Haru's side."

"It's not the movie, it's Shin-chan interpretation!"

"What do you mean? Am I wrong-dayo ka?"

"It's a porn! The genre dictates there isn't any actual plot. Or rather, sex is the plot."

"I see... No wonder you got an A on SexEd exam. Is your porn collection large?"

"Nah, I prefer manga. By the way, Shin-chan, if I was Makoto and you were Haru, would you be angry at me if I tried to kiss you?"

"Bakamon, you can't be Makoto, he's the taller one. You should be Haru."

"But I'm the one who shares voice actor with Makoto! Ugh, never mind… Then, what if one day Haru (I) realizes he loves Makoto (you) as much as the water?"

"Highly unlikely. But go on."

"How should Haru approach Makoto? Let's improvise!"

Takao stood up and pulled reluctant Midorima along. They went outside of the classroom, to have more space for their rehearsal.

"Makoto!" Takao used his most dramatic voice. "I'm not so sure anymore. I just needed to feel the water and I was happy. But lately… it's not enough."

"Haru?" Midorima played along just fine.

"I can't imagine a life without water… as well as a life without Makoto. It hurts, here" Takao grabbed his shirt in a place of his heart. "It only heals when you hold me."

"Haru… " Midorima reached out his hand and gently placed it over Takao's hand. "As long as I'm alive, I won't let you get hurt ever again."

"Makoto!"

"Haru!"

"Makoto… kiss me…"

"What are you doing, Takao?! Too close!"

"See, Shin-chan, you're not suited to be Makoto, yet. I'm going to give you a little hint."

"Iranai… Ah!... A…"

In the end, they never watched MakoHaru porn till the end.

* * *

After Sensei returned to the classroom and found a bunch of hot guys over each other, he decided they have learned enough. He sat by his desk, took out diplomas from the drawer, and signed & stamped them all.

"Tosshi, go back, I need to see Hijikata now."

"Finally in the mood, nee Gintoki?"

"Oh, it's you. Have you been here for a while?"

"I guess."

"Come here, throby-vein kisama!"

"Better be ready, natural-perm yaro!"

* * *

~fin


End file.
